Finding Spirituality - Quaker Reflections

Busy

2009-11-26T08:53:00.006-05:00

I've been thinking a lot about the word "busy" lately. I guess I think about it because I really am busy...busier than I've ever been in my life. Well, at least it feels that way some days. The word "busy" gets thrown around too much, even by me. We use that word for more than its' actual meaning; often the word busy is used to create a barrier to keep others at a distance, usually selectively. It is a way for us to control how much or how little we let others into our lives. I can speak to this because I am guilty of doing just that.

Sometimes people are genuinely very busy. I can speak to that as well. And sometimes we think that our busy is more important than someone else's busy. Two weeks ago when I was finishing the writing of chapter 5 of my dissertation (I was very busy), two other people thought their broken computer problems were more important than my busy. Of course, I felt differently. However, I did stop the writing process to help one of the people that had called for my help...that was my sister. I stopped to order her a new computer because I knew that without it she would be too isolated. The outcome of that day is another story for another time...when I am less busy perhaps.

So back to the story at hand. Followers of this blog are probably aware that I have been writing my dissertation, or that I have been in the process of working towards a PhD for about four and a half years. This while maintaining a full-time job, doing additional research (and presenting it at conferences), and working on a major project (additional work at the job). I think that qualifies me as officially busy, especially when I got to the proposal portion of the dissertation (I had no idea about the level of busy I was getting into!).

At certain points during that past year I have been so overwhelmed with busy, sometimes to the point that all I wanted to do was run away and hide from everything. I didn't do that but I did seriously cut back the number of commitments I had. I also used the word "busy" as an excuse to limit my contact with others.

Recently I realized that others (one person in particular) was doing the same thing to me...ouch! Talk about karma! Perhaps that person feels as justified about using "busy" as I have felt. Perhaps there is a lesson for me in there...knowing how it feels to be on the receiving end of "busy". It hurts to be on the receiving end. It hurts because no matter how busy I am, I always find the time or make time for those I want to talk to. It hurts because I know that I use that word to maintain a boundary with those I need/want to keep at more of a distance, and I know in my heart that the same is being done to me.

I don't have any answers and I'm not really looking for any either. I think that maybe now that I've written it out perhaps I will be more judicious with my use of the word "busy".

Year 5770

2009-09-19T10:10:00.004-04:00

I haven't updated this blog in quite a while. I guess I just haven't been moved to write or life got in the way, or some other excuse. However, it is Rosh Hashanah (the Jewish New Year, 5770) and I usually like to take some time and reflect on the past year as well as the one in front of me. Actually it's kind of like an attempt to look at the things I'd like to change, or that will change within the coming year. I guess the best way to do this is to look at what has already passed.

I became a Quaker (actually joined my Meeting)in the past year. I still identify as Jewish and I still have a hard time rectifying the two. I came to something of a happy medium with this: I am a Jew who prefers to worship in the manner of Friends. It is at Quaker Meeting for Worship that I find my spiritual center. This is not without difficulty for me and I continue to struggle. I struggle with the Christian aspect of Quakerism because for me, that is not a part of my spiritual journey. Sometimes it feels like it goes against the very core of who I am as a Jew, yet I stay.

Last night was Erev Rosh Hashanah (the eve of) and Shelly went to services while I stayed home, no longer a member of the synagogue. At some point I was listening to a blurb of Jewish music and it made me cry. Have I turned my back on my faith, my Jewish community, my core? I missed being at the service, a service I always dreaded. I miss the spirituality of Judaism that disappeared when we joined the "big" synagogue...when it became rote. My heart felt heavy and still does this morning, to some extent.

Tonight we will have a houseful of friends for Rosh Hashanah dinner and I am looking forward to it. I think that for me I need to feel okay to be Jewish and to be Quaker. I need to find that happy place between the two. That is the path that I will travel as this new year progresses. I think I can find the place because I honestly love being Jewish and I love being Quaker...I just need to learn to love being both at the same time.

Someone once told me that spiritual journeys can be daunting...she was right. But isn't it a sign of growth when one continues the journey despite the difficulties or obstacles along the path?

This is one step for the coming year, but it is the first step on the path that starts today.

Million Can March

2009-06-28T13:06:00.004-04:00

Special thanks to my F/friend Dave for the heads up about this...please pass it along...
This all started with a vague notion that we should do something more than just have a good laugh at the next round of tea parties scheduled for July 4th. I thought that if teabaggers are so afraid of socialism, maybe we could show 'em socialism on a national scale. And what is more socialistic than sharing our food with others. Food banks across the nation are struggling with shortages as increasing demands meet head on with decreasing donations. But bloggers also reach across the nation - and the world - and we could make a real difference for our neighbors and make this a memorable 4th of July.

THE CHALLENGE: To collect one million cans of food for our nation's food banks, food pantries and shelters by July 4, 2009.

WHO: Progressive bloggers with a special invite to conservative bloggers.

HOW: Act locally. Here are some examples:

• Take a bag of food to a local pantry
• Organize a food drive where you work or play, your church or motorcycle club, etc.
• Organize some friendly competition amongst a group of blogs
• Challenge your Facebook & Myspace friends and your twitter followers
• There's no one right way to get involved. Look around you, see the need and do something about it.

WHAT: Nonperishable food items. Note: We've already had a cash donation to a relief agency reported (and I know this is a good way for some folks to participate) so if you report your cash donations we'll run a tally of those as well.

SPECIAL CHALLENGE TO OUR CONSERVATIVE READERS: Bring the drinks! Ask your readers to donate cannisters of premixed tea, lemonade, koolaid, etc. You could even set up collection barrels at your next tea party. After all, it wouldn't be a party without the drinks. And it'd probably give you a little better publicity this time...just saying. Now aren't you wishing you thought of this first?

AND THEN WHAT: Blog about it and send us the link. We'll add your amounts to the totals and keep a running tally of the results. And we'll post all your links so folks can see what you did. (Hint, hint: We especially love posts with pictures! Yeah, we're simple like that.) But wait! There's more! If you want more than that warm fuzzy feeling from doing something good, we'll send you the script for an awesome button to adorn your blog to memorialize your participation in the 2009 Million Can March!

Here are some food suggestions:

• If in doubt, call the agency you plan to donate to and ask them what they need.

Here's a basic list:

• cereal, instant oatmeal
• Canned meats & fish (tuna, salmon, deviled ham, canned chicken, etc)
• Peanut butter, jelly, crackers
• fruits and vegetables
• Soups, stews, canned pasta dishes like beefaroni, lasagna, ravioli
• Boxed potatoes and rice and pasta mixes in a box or pouch
• "Just add water" cake, pancake, muffin mixes, etc.
• Canned and powdered milk
• Infant formula and baby foods

You can also think in terms of a meal:

• Spaghetti sauce and pasta
• Tuna and macaroni and cheese
• Beans & Rice

You get the idea, and then add a vegetable, a fruit, and a sweet treat.

Really, this isn't rocket science. Give what you like to eat!

Positive Anger

2009-06-11T12:09:00.002-04:00

I recently had dinner with a friend and one of the topics that we discussed was anger. I said that I like the emotion, the raw heat of the emotion. She disagreed and said that anger was something that needed to be controlled. I've had some time to think about this conversation and to try to make sense of what I really meant by my comment.

Unchecked anger can be a problem. We saw that yesterday when an anti-Semitic man with extreme anger walked into the Holocaust Museum and started shooting. This is not the type of anger I was speaking about...or not the level of anger. I certainly wasn't referring to a pathological level of anger. And at that point, I'm not sure that is controllable anger, not without years of therapy and medication.

Speaking of medication, this is were my thoughts come in. So many people are on anti-depressants. So many people walking around with their feelings kept in check through pills. Sometimes they are blank looking, void of emotion, sometimes not. But often, the meds keep the anger level so low, so controlled. And sometimes people control their own emotions without meds. This is when I say I like the raw heat of anger...mostly when people lose the control and let the emotion out, just for a moment and not to a dangerous level. Anger is real; it is hot and visceral. And sometimes it is good to see that in people who don't often show emotion. It is an opportunity to see past the glossy exterior and to get to the genuine person that is hidden beneath that surface. So it is in that way that I can say I like the raw heat of anger.

When I think about it, anger is what drives change. People getting angry about the status quo of a situation make moves to change the situation. I think it then becomes a choice of what we do with the anger or how we react to it. We have the chance to turn the anger into positive change or to sit and stew in the anger. That raw heat, that fire, that passion has been behind many positive changes. Does anyone really believe that the civil rights movement would have continued, facing a backlash of violence and hatred if it wasn't driven by the anger of injustice?

So I leave you with a totally overused quote that has nearly become a cliche:
"If you aren't angry, then you aren't paying attention." Of course, this has been written many different ways and I can't find the origin in order to give credit, but there is much truth in the statement.

Some people have accused me of being angry, while others think I am passionate...I prefer the latter and I believe it is that passion that makes me the person I am...which is sometimes too intense for others. Oh well.

Butterflies

2009-05-31T20:19:00.005-04:00

Last week I was away at a conference in Chicago. While there I decided to attend Meeting for Worship at the 57th Street Meeting. It was a very welcoming group, a bit smaller than what I am used to. During MfW a first time attender stood and spoke about butterflies. She was a school teacher and her students where watching the change from caterpillar to butterfly. This, of course, is my fairly non-scientific rendition of the process. She spoke about how excited the students would get as the butterfly made its way out of its cocoon. There was one time when she and her students missed the emergence of the new butterflies during lunch but she was reminded that change happens regardless if we are there to witness it. This last statement stayed with me after I left that Meeting and throughout this past week.

Now back home, I was happy to return today to the Meeting where I am a member. I was struck by the messages that were delivered today. Many of the messages revolved around butterflies and change. From a group of students releasing their butterflies and saying goodbye as they flew away, to the question of what those butterflies might have been thinking as they departed...the thread remained throughout MfW today. I was shaken by the continuity of this theme from the Meeting in Chicago to this Meeting at home a full week later.

I've likely mentioned before that I am often astounded by the fact that someone else at Meeting will speak what is in my head and heart. This was kind of like that, except magnified 100 times. No question that there was change...two different Meetings nearly 700 miles apart. But there was also continuity...one week later the same thread. Change happens but maybe it happens in order for things to continue to remain the same, in a sense. We don't necessarily need to see the change to know it has occurred, or maybe we're just not cognizant of the change, even though we know change has taken place. Regardless, we continue to progress in our lives...we go about our daily business and though that may be different, it is is still the same daily routine.

When I was younger I was not good with change...didn't really like change and tried to avoid it. I've come to realize change is constant; I change, the people around me change, the world changes. And every day I wake up, brush my teeth, have my coffee, shower, and work...all the same yet different each day. I've come to accept the changes (mostly) that are a part of the continuity of my life. Yet, I am still shaken and awed by this force/power/presence/spirit that causes this continuity between two Meetings nearly 700 miles and a full week apart.

The Story of Stuff

2009-05-15T16:42:00.006-04:00

What is the Story of Stuff?

From its extraction through sale, use and disposal, all the stuff in our lives affects communities at home and abroad, yet most of this is hidden from view. The Story of Stuff is a 20-minute, fast-paced, fact-filled look at the underside of our production and consumption patterns. The Story of Stuff exposes the connections between a huge number of environmental and social issues, and calls us together to create a more sustainable and just world. It'll teach you something, it'll make you laugh, and it just may change the way you look at all the stuff in your life forever.

Click here to watch the film.

The truth is....

2009-05-10T09:07:00.001-04:00

I thought I was sometimes struggling with finding the Light in certain other people. The truth is that I am struggling to find the Light in myself...

Recognizing the Light in others

2009-02-20T09:37:00.006-05:00

From Faith & Practice, 2002, Philadelphia Yearly Meeting.

Pg 17...

"Recognizing that God's Light is in every person overcomes our separation and our differences from others and leads to a sympathetic awareness of their need and a sense of responsibility toward them."

Jewish people believe that the Messiah has not yet returned. Most Reform Jews believe in a Messianic era, rather than an "individual", necessarily. Regardless, I was taught that anybody may be the Messiah, could be the Messiah...anybody. The meaning here is similar to the passage from Faith & Practice...the Light is in everyone.

This is where I struggle. I do believe that the Light exists in everyone...my struggle is in finding it or seeing it. Not always, but definitely sometimes. I tend to get angry when someone does something that is hurtful or underhanded. When I get angry I sometimes forget that the Light might possibly exist in that person. Often, my anger turns to hurt and sometimes a heavy heart. It is at that point that I find solace in remembering that the Light is there. It feels to me that as my anger subsides, I can feel the Light within myself and it opens the door for me to look for it in others. I need to allow myself the time to get to the place where I can look for that Light in the other person.

I have a feeling that this is something that I will always struggle with, and maybe that is the way it is supposed to be, at least for me. I guess that there is something to be said about acknowledging that I have not given up on seeking the Light in others. It feels like if I were not go through this process but instead give up the struggle, I would be giving up on humanity and I'm not ready to go there...I hope I'm never ready to go there.

I think I need to give myself the necessary time to go through my process in order to get to that place where I can begin to see, feel, and recognize the Light in others.

Right Relationship: Building a Whole Earth Economy

2009-02-14T17:50:00.005-05:00

From the book,Right Relationship: Building a Whole Earth Economy, by Peter G. Brown & Geoffrey Garver. When they read this paragraph out loud, I was stunned because it was the verbalization of what I profoundly believe to be true. Decide for yourself...

Pg 20...

Study after study has shown that reaching a goal for which we humans have placed our entire planet at risk--economic escalation and personal wealth--does not even make us happy. Above a certain amount needed to maintain a roof over their family and put food on the table each day, human beings in every country surveyed are not made happier by more material goods, even in significant amounts. What does make us happy are the ideals promoted by almost every ethical tradition known: belonging to a community; enjoying good health; sharing; loving and being loved; having access to nature; making a meaningful contribution. When we envision the true limitations, responsibilities, and mystery of living on the earth, we will begin to experience far more fulfilling lives than the excessive acquisition of material possessions can ever provide.

I Apologize

2009-02-05T08:14:00.013-05:00

A senior colleague told me that I come across as self-serving. Although this is someone who has been a thorn in my side for years and whose personal ethics are questionable, the statement hit me hard. It goes against every thread of my being. Then I got to thinking (some might say over-analyzing) and thought perhaps others felt this way as well. So,I am writing this post because I want to apologize to everyone. Each of these apologies is for something I've been told over the last year.

I apologize for:

Being who I am
Being what I am
Being how I am.

I apologize for anything I may have done that has offended you. I apologize for it even if I didn't do it.

I apologize for being so damn sensitive and I apologize for feeling too much. I apologize for not feeling enough.

I apologize for not respecting your boundaries and I apologize for not knowing what they are. I apologize for inquiring about pushing your boundaries. I apologize for not asking.

I apologize for being too passionate. I apologize for caring about you. I apologize for not caring enough. I apologize for caring too much.

I apologize for trying to be a good friend, a good co-worker, a good person, a good Quaker, a good Jew, a good teacher, a good researcher. I apologize for being interested in topics that are too "soft". I apologize for not being a good computer scientist and for being too much of a social scientist.

I apologize for not inviting you to my wedding and I apologize for inviting you.

I apologize for trying to do the right thing. I apologize for being diligent.

I apologize for going to the "wrong" school. I apologize for being Phi Beta Kappa. I apologize for thinking that I would be judged by what I have done and who I am.

I apologize for not being the person you think I should be. I apologize for being the person you think I am. I apologize for not being good enough and I apologize for being too good.

I apologize for trying to maintain our friendship. I apologize for not maintaining our friendship.

I apologize for not being thin and I apologize for not being fat.

I apologize for bothering you. I apologize for seeking your guidance. I apologize for wasting your time.

I apologize for not responding to your emails fast enough and for responding to them too quickly.

I apologize for working all the time and for not working enough.

I apologize if you think this is about you. I apologize if you think it isn't.

I apologize if I missed anything and I apologize for apologizing.

I don't apologize for loving you. I apologize for not loving myself enough. I just don't know how to give any more than I am already giving. I apologize for not having that answer.

This has been somewhat less cathartic and somewhat more cathartic than I hoped.

25 Random Things About Me

2009-01-28T19:40:00.005-05:00

If you choose to, write a post with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you and post it to your blog.

1. I can procrastinate like it's my job (evidenced by this list)
2. I think we can learn a lot about kindness & love from dogs and cats
3. I miss my mother and sometimes I miss my father
4. I could probably live in a cave (with electricity) and never talk to anyone again and be happy about it
5. The song "St. Charles" on Jefferson Starship's Spitfire album, is the perfect song to me.
6. I am forever seeking to deepen my spirituality, not necessarily through religion
7. Music is my life force and courses through my veins
8. I wish I would have been more serious about my education earlier in life
9. I LOVE teaching, but hate the politics of the institution
10. I am incredibly sensitive and protect myself from being hurt by being keeping my distance
11. I trust from the start but if you lose my trust, you are not likely to get it back
12. I am a loyal friend
13. My integrity means everything to me
14. I have the unfortunate luck of strong intuition...it is rarely wrong
15. I will finish this PhD
16. If people must judge me, I wish they would judge me for what I've done and who I am, not by some elitist standard
17. Becoming a Quaker is one of the best things I've done for myself
18. I love to make people laugh
19. Shelly is the only person that really understands me
20. I live in fear of losing Indigo
21. I'm not sure which is worse, the pain or the itching, but I can live with the pain (as long as the meds keep working)
22. I really miss reading for pleasure
23. Sometimes I love too much...yes, I believe that is possible
24. I love to drive with the music turned up all the way and the windows rolled down (when it's warm), singing my heart out
25. I am addicted to Fresca.

Simple changes for a better world

2009-01-26T08:29:00.006-05:00

After MfW yesterday, Friends from Burlington, Vermont MM did a skit that they have taken to 52 (maybe more)Meetings and Churches called "John Woolman's Message for the 21st Century".

One thing that came out of the skit was something simple that each of us can do to help make the world a little better. We can buy products from companies that care about their impact on the environment. Here is a link to Better World Shopper. Better World Shopper is a site dedicated to providing people with a comprehensive, up-to-date, reliable account of the social and environmental responsibility of every company on the planet AND making it available in practical forms that individuals can use in their everyday lives.

This site is not all inclusive, however tons of info is available about products
we use everyday and their impact on our world. The listing is an A-F list, so
if your current brand is far down on the list, perhaps you could check the list
for alternatives....

So shop happier and environmentally healthier.

On the Eve

2009-01-19T12:35:00.004-05:00

On the eve of the inauguration of the 44th President of the United States, the inauguration of Barack Obama, the first African American President, these words from the Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King bear repeating.

I am happy to join with you today in what will go down in history as the greatest demonstration for freedom in the history of our nation.

Five score years ago, a great American, in whose symbolic shadow we stand today, signed the Emancipation Proclamation. This momentous decree came as a great beacon light of hope to millions of Negro slaves who had been seared in the flames of withering injustice. It came as a joyous daybreak to end the long night of their captivity.

But one hundred years later, the Negro still is not free. One hundred years later, the life of the Negro is still sadly crippled by the manacles of segregation and the chains of discrimination. One hundred years later, the Negro lives on a lonely island of poverty in the midst of a vast ocean of material prosperity. One hundred years later, the Negro is still languishing in the corners of American society and finds himself an exile in his own land. So we have come here today to dramatize a shameful condition.

In a sense we have come to our nation's capital to cash a check. When the architects of our republic wrote the magnificent words of the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence, they were signing a promissory note to which every American was to fall heir. This note was a promise that all men, yes, black men as well as white men, would be guaranteed the unalienable rights of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

It is obvious today that America has defaulted on this promissory note insofar as her citizens of color are concerned. Instead of honoring this sacred obligation, America has given the Negro people a bad check, a check which has come back marked "insufficient funds." But we refuse to believe that the bank of justice is bankrupt. We refuse to believe that there are insufficient funds in the great vaults of opportunity of this nation. So we have come to cash this check — a check that will give us upon demand the riches of freedom and the security of justice. We have also come to this hallowed spot to remind America of the fierce urgency of now. This is no time to engage in the luxury of cooling off or to take the tranquilizing drug of gradualism. Now is the time to make real the promises of democracy. Now is the time to rise from the dark and desolate valley of segregation to the sunlit path of racial justice. Now is the time to lift our nation from the quick sands of racial injustice to the solid rock of brotherhood. Now is the time to make justice a reality for all of God's children.

It would be fatal for the nation to overlook the urgency of the moment. This sweltering summer of the Negro's legitimate discontent will not pass until there is an invigorating autumn of freedom and equality. Nineteen sixty-three is not an end, but a beginning. Those who hope that the Negro needed to blow off steam and will now be content will have a rude awakening if the nation returns to business as usual. There will be neither rest nor tranquility in America until the Negro is granted his citizenship rights. The whirlwinds of revolt will continue to shake the foundations of our nation until the bright day of justice emerges.

But there is something that I must say to my people who stand on the warm threshold which leads into the palace of justice. In the process of gaining our rightful place we must not be guilty of wrongful deeds. Let us not seek to satisfy our thirst for freedom by drinking from the cup of bitterness and hatred.

We must forever conduct our struggle on the high plane of dignity and discipline. We must not allow our creative protest to degenerate into physical violence. Again and again we must rise to the majestic heights of meeting physical force with soul force. The marvelous new militancy which has engulfed the Negro community must not lead us to a distrust of all white people, for many of our white brothers, as evidenced by their presence here today, have come to realize that their destiny is tied up with our destiny. They have come to realize that their freedom is inextricably bound to our freedom. We cannot walk alone.

As we walk, we must make the pledge that we shall always march ahead. We cannot turn back. There are those who are asking the devotees of civil rights, "When will you be satisfied?" We can never be satisfied as long as the Negro is the victim of the unspeakable horrors of police brutality. We can never be satisfied, as long as our bodies, heavy with the fatigue of travel, cannot gain lodging in the motels of the highways and the hotels of the cities. We cannot be satisfied as long as the Negro's basic mobility is from a smaller ghetto to a larger one. We can never be satisfied as long as our children are stripped of their selfhood and robbed of their dignity by signs stating "For Whites Only". We cannot be satisfied as long as a Negro in Mississippi cannot vote and a Negro in New York believes he has nothing for which to vote. No, no, we are not satisfied, and we will not be satisfied until justice rolls down like waters and righteousness like a mighty stream.

I am not unmindful that some of you have come here out of great trials and tribulations. Some of you have come fresh from narrow jail cells. Some of you have come from areas where your quest for freedom left you battered by the storms of persecution and staggered by the winds of police brutality. You have been the veterans of creative suffering. Continue to work with the faith that unearned suffering is redemptive.

Go back to Mississippi, go back to Alabama, go back to South Carolina, go back to Georgia, go back to Louisiana, go back to the slums and ghettos of our northern cities, knowing that somehow this situation can and will be changed. Let us not wallow in the valley of despair.

I say to you today, my friends, so even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream.

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal."

I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.

I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a state sweltering with the heat of injustice, sweltering with the heat of oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice.

I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.

I have a dream today.

I have a dream that one day, down in Alabama, with its vicious racists, with its governor having his lips dripping with the words of interposition and nullification; one day right there in Alabama, little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls as sisters and brothers.

I have a dream today.

I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plain, and the crooked places will be made straight, and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it together.

This is our hope. This is the faith that I go back to the South with. With this faith we will be able to hew out of the mountain of despair a stone of hope. With this faith we will be able to transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood. With this faith we will be able to work together, to pray together, to struggle together, to go to jail together, to stand up for freedom together, knowing that we will be free one day.

This will be the day when all of God's children will be able to sing with a new meaning, "My country, 'tis of thee, sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing. Land where my fathers died, land of the pilgrim's pride, from every mountainside, let freedom ring."

And if America is to be a great nation this must become true. So let freedom ring from the prodigious hilltops of New Hampshire. Let freedom ring from the mighty mountains of New York. Let freedom ring from the heightening Alleghenies of Pennsylvania!

Let freedom ring from the snowcapped Rockies of Colorado!

Let freedom ring from the curvaceous slopes of California!

But not only that; let freedom ring from Stone Mountain of Georgia!

Let freedom ring from Lookout Mountain of Tennessee!

Let freedom ring from every hill and molehill of Mississippi. From every mountainside, let freedom ring.

And when this happens, when we allow freedom to ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual, "Free at last! free at last! thank God Almighty, we are free at last!"

Happy New Year +

2008-12-31T09:42:00.004-05:00

Hi All.

Today is my birthday and I'm older than I'd like to admit...not yet a freak out number, but getting pretty close <-- YIKES!

Anyway, my F/friend Stevik sent me this video for my birthday. I laughed so hard that knew I had to share it.

Happy Healthy & Safe New Year to all...blessings & peace!

So a change of heart

2008-12-21T20:40:00.009-05:00

Hello Friends...I've decided to continue with this blog and hope for the best....

MfW was mostly centered on the holiday season today. Several messages really moved me, one especially...about the openness of the Quaker community (particularly this Meeting) to folks from non-Christian backgrounds. And that is where my thoughts come in...

Tomorrow is the first night of Hanukkah. This is a relatively small holiday on the Jewish calendar and has gained much of its significance only recently, because of its proximity to Christmas. People of my parents generation didn't exchange gifts on Hanukkah. This holiday symbolizes the plight of the Maccabees against their oppressors. With only enough oil to light the lamps for one day, the lights stayed lit for eight days. This holiday has become as commercialized as Christmas and often the message of both holidays gets lost. Hanukkah symbolizes the power of light over darkness, and for some that equates to good over evil.

Yesterday, on the way back from having dinner with our F/friend Mickey, Shelly and I were discussing the Christmas lights we were passing. Sometimes I really like the lights but I never really understood the reasoning behind the display...I understand it even less now. Economically and environmentally, I don't understand it at all. And the truth is, after really thinking about it and looking at the displays we were passing, I didn't understand it from almost any point of view.

Most of the Christmas lights we passed were scenes of winter, Christmas gifts, reindeer, etc...I didn't see anything that made me think about the meaning behind the holiday...only reminders of what the season has come to represent for so many people. Although Shelly and I didn't agree, I told her that I could understand a manger scene on someone's lawn, but not the displays that we were actually seeing.

Both Hannukah and Christmas have become a commercial "need" for the retail industry and I think that is sad. Today during MfW, I was reminded of something I had read on a blog that I read called Post Secret. People anonymously send a secret on a postcard and the secrets are posted on the blog. Some of them are intensely profound. This past week a woman wrote in that she didn't have the heart to tell her child that "Santa" wouldn't be coming this year because "Santa" had hurt his back and had been out of work for several weeks. Of course she was speaking of herself. Upon reading this, another reader set up a paypal donation for this woman and within less than 24 hours, enough money was raised for this woman to buy her child Christmas gifts as well other necessities (no comment from me on the setting of priorities here). I was reminded of the generosity of people and this is what the holidays mean to me.

In MfW, another Friend spoke of a woman that had transformed her neighborhood from drug & crime infested to something much better. This was done at great risk to her well being. She lives in a section of the city that is well below the poverty line. Her own house was in disrepair and illness plagued her family. Severel members of her immediate community as well as members of our Meeting banded to together to help this woman and her family. Again, this is what the holidays mean to me.

To me the holidays are a reminder to think about others and to give back to our communities. Sometimes I need to hear these stories so I can be reminded...sometimes I need to hear these stories because it just feels good to know that others are doing the right thing. Sometimes it is just good to remember that gifts don't always come in a box wrapped in fancy paper. And sometimes gifts are given to ourselves in the form of giving to others (it doesn't have to be financial...sometimes time is a great gift)...in fact, sometimes this is the greatest gift of all.

I wish you a wonderful holiday...whatever holiday you may be celebrating!

Peace...

Adding to the music

2008-11-22T09:37:00.007-05:00

In response to Mr Agitator who posted a vid by the Specials. So, I decided to continue his theme. Tough decision between adding "Too Much Pressure" or "Black and Blue" from the Selecter, or this from the English Beat.

Decided on the English Beat, "I Confess", this is one of my favorite songs from the 80s. ...Enjoy (it takes a moment before the music starts)

The Words We Wrote for Each Other , The Poem & The Dance

2008-11-18T16:15:00.003-05:00

These are the words we wrote for each other followed by a poem that I wrote...

I have thought a lot about what I wanted to say and it keeps coming back to the same thing for me. She amazes me. In so many different ways. She amazes me with her brains and the way she thinks, she is so very smart and determined. She amazes me with her passion; passion for things she cares deeply about. There is no lukewarm with Ab, and that makes me lucky because it is evident in how she feels about me. She is passionate about being the best person she can be, passionate about people who are important to her, about her love of animals, about not only her teaching and her students, but about her own learning. She is passionate about her spirituality and passionate about doing the right thing. It amazes me that beneath what might come across as a "tough" exterior lies an incredibly loving, sensitive and intuitive woman. And no list would be complete without mentioning how amazingly funny she is! She loves to make me laugh! I know we will always laugh and share wonderful adventures together. I feel entirely blessed that I will be sharing my life with her.

Shelly is my home. She is my safe place, my place of joy and love. It feels to me like there was never a time when there wasn't "Abbe & Shelly"; there was only the time before when everything in my life was taking me to Shelly. Shelly has been and continues to be my inspiration. It is with her love that I have become the woman I am today. I love falling asleep wrapped in Shelly's arms and waking up with her next to me. She is my best friend and my life partner. I am thankful to have found Shelly and to have the opportunity to share so many things with her; our love of scary movies, our passion for doing good in the world, the respect we have for each other, and the understanding of our individual needs and the needs of our relationship. Shelly is unquestionably the greatest blessing in/of my life.
__________________________________________________

The Cocoon & The Heart

There was never a before
There was never a past
There was only the cocoon
And inside the cocoon…two hearts
Growing and waiting
And at that point in time
When destiny spread her wings
Those two hearts joined and became one
And it burst from the cocoon
Just as the two lovers leapt into the chasm
And the heart caught them as they fell
And it enveloped them
And wrapped itself around them
And they became one as well.

This was our first dance: Billy Preston & Syreeta - "With you I'm Born Again"

Followed by Jeff Buckey - "Hallelujah"

Topped off by Paul Kantner & Jefferson Starship - "Have you seen the stars tonight?"

Taking stock with Quaker eyes

2008-11-16T13:02:00.009-05:00

For some reason at this time of year, I start to take stock of the year that has just passed and is soon to end. I should mention that I have a problem with the entire concept of "time" because I don't really think it exists. I see "time" as something completely man made and I do understand why. I just have a hard time thinking about it conceptually. That being said, a new year is imminently descending upon us. I know this because the Christmas advertising season is well under way. In addition, having a birthday that falls on the last day of the year, makes the passing of a year very noticeable.

So, as I mentioned that taking stock of the past year is almost an innate process for me...it just happens. Sometimes is both somber and very sobering. This year, I'm not sure yet. What I am focusing on this year is negativity. I want to move into the new year letting go of the people and things around me that help me get to negativity. By no means am I placing blame for my negativity on anything or anyone else but there are outside influences that affect me and maybe that is my doing. Regardless, this is what I am working on.

At this time I am looking at this negativity through Quaker eyes. I see negativity as something that I get mired in if I allow it to get a strong hold on me. The more mired I become, the harder it is to get out. The negativity shrouds me in a cloud of darkness...the darkness keeps me from being able to see the light or the Light. This has happened much less often over this past year likely because of my new Quaker eyes and learning to think differently...learning to look for the Light in others and all around me. Yet, negativity still exists and still finds me, more often than I'd like. So, clearly some progress has already been made. But my goal or hope for the coming year is to get to "partly cloudy" when that negativity does find me. In other words, acknowledging that it is there but not allowing myself to become mired in it.

So how can I remove or lessen my contact with the people and things that are harbingers of negativity? I hope to do this with love rather than with anger. And maybe it is love of self (never been particularly good at that) and learning or knowing when it is time to let go of a bad situation and walking away. I need to learn to accept that this may hurt at first, but in the long run I believe it will lead to less clouds.

This is fairly new territory for me, so please, if you see me struggling and it looks like I may be stuck, think about throwing me a supportive rope and helping to pull me out of the muck. I can promise you that I will do the same for you if that is what you need from me.

Changing thoughts

2008-10-23T00:35:00.007-04:00

It is 12:36 am and I can't sleep. I just finished watching the Phillies win the first game of the World Series and I think they might do it this time (she adds with hesitancy).

If you looked at this blog earlier, you would have seen an entry about how afraid I am of Sarah Palin, well the republican't ticket, but especially her. I took the post down because I realized how negative this presidential race is making me feel. I just had one of the greatest weekends of my life and chose instead to write an entry about Sarah Palin...maybe that's why I can't sleep. So, I will write about my weekend instead.

This past Sunday was an amazing day, almost surreal when I think back. Two wonderful things occurred. I got married (after being together nearly 12 years), and had the second reading of my membership application at the meeting I have been attending (approved!accepted!okayed!whatever!).
Each of these on their own would have been great, but together it was pretty much as close to a legal "high" as I've ever had.

Did I mention that we got a new kitten who at the moment, is climbing on my head?!

Really feeling the love now....

2008-09-29T13:02:00.008-04:00

A wonderful surprise...A F/friend from my meeting (Eileen) nominated me for 2, that's right, 2 blog awards. Eileen has a wonderful blog which is listed on the side and I will link to here, called Imperfect Serenity. Eileen's writing is beautiful and provocative combining her thoughts on being a Quaker, mother, writer, teacher, and activist...highly recommended!

The first award she nominated me for is:

and the second:

In turn, I am to nominate other bloggers for these same awards...kind of a pay it forward. The 2 blogs (besides Imperfect Serenity) that read regularly and would like to nominate are:
The Quaker Agitator
Moonbeam McQueen

Feeling/experiencing the love

2008-09-28T12:39:00.005-04:00

I had kind of an epiphany at Meeting for Worship (MfW) today. Well, maybe epiphany is a little strong, but it was clearly a moment of clarity for me.

Yesterday was the memorial service for a member of the Meeting so several of the messages today focused on the love people had for him. The messages went further to include the love in our Meeting. That is where my message begins. Since I started attending MfW at Chestnut Hill, I felt that there was a strong presence in the meeting room. I thought my feelings were related to the silence and the level of spirituality I would experience within that silence. But today I realized there is more to it.

In MfW today, I felt that same wonderful feeling within the silence that I almost always feel. I realized that what I was experiencing was love; the love that lives in that room. The silence is a vehicle for that love...a chance for me to sit still long enough to feel it. The energy in the meeting room is strong, the love is nearly palpable. It is overwhelming sometimes, but in a good way, like a blanket that a friend might drape over your shoulders when you are chilled.

The love permeates the room and everything in it. I've felt its presence even when the room was empty. A few months a go, I had a brief meeting with the Meeting secretary, and while I waited for her to finish what she was doing, I decided to sit for a minute in the meeting room. I felt it then, while I sat alone in the room even for just a few short minutes. I knew then that there was something in that room and today I realized that it is love. It is the love that everyone brings into the room. It doesn't slip out the windows when they are open. It doesn't slip out the door at the end of MfW. It stays in the walls, and in the benches, and in the air.

I am so thankful to have the opportunity to feel and experience this love.

The innocence of a child

2008-08-24T12:13:00.008-04:00

So I think I am beginning to realize that for me messages come in the form of blog entries...at least for now.

I was very moved by the messages during MfW today. There were three of them. What I heard in the first message was that our hearts can be like a turtle, sometimes out there in the open and sometimes protected. The message continued with the thought that our hearts needed to open in order for us to be able to walk with God. I believe this as well and I'll get back to it in a moment if you'll bear with me. The second message was very brief but really brought home the first message for me. The man that spoke stated that upon entering the parking lot of the meetinghouse, he saw a little girl walk over to something in the middle of the lot. It ended up being an injured bird. He added that the little girl wanted to move the bird into the shade. He went on to say that there are no random acts of kindness...that God instead gives us opportunities.

Inside of my head these two messages became one. I realized that almost every week at MfW as I settle into the silence I make an effort to have my heart be open so that I can have that spiritual experience of "walking with God". These may not be the correct words for what I seek but not wishing to get caught up in semantics, this expression works. I then realized that what this man had seen in this little girl was innocence; the innocence of a child. I think that the loss of that innocence is a big part of what makes us (or maybe just me) protect our hearts and close ourselves off. There is a lot of ugliness in the world as we move away from childhood. We learn to fear, we become jaded and numb to what we see. Is this a condition of humanity in order to survive; this blind acceptance of the ugliness we see around us? Of course we can't cut ourselves off from reality and I think that feeling the pain of everything would be too much for a human soul to endure. So we learn as we grow, we become conditioned to not really see through open eyes, open mind, and open heart...we lose our innocence over time in order to survive the realities of the world we live in.

I've been "accused" on many occasions of being too sensitive and the truth be told sometimes I am too sensitive, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. That sensitivity is what keeps me real and probably a big part of what defines me as an individual. Sometimes it hurts so much to feel that much, but I'm so so so glad that I am able to feel that much, that I haven't completely lost my innocence...that I can still look at an injured bird and want to do something to help it even though time/age has taught me that the outcome for that bird is not likely a good one. I remember the first time one of our cats caught a mouse. I should mention that I'm not afraid of mice (bugs are a different story), I just don't necessarily wish to share living space with them. The cat had the mouse in his mouth. Those of you with cats know that they don't outright kill the mice, they "play" with them to death. Well, this cat did not want to give up his toy but somehow I managed to get the mouse away from the cat. The mouse was in bad shape, bleeding slightly from both ends indicating internal bleeding. His (I don't really know if it was male or female) breathing was labored and he was clearly near death. I cried, oh did I cry, as I held that mouse until it finally took its last breath. I didn't want it to be uncomfortable and terrified in those last few moments of its life. Well, as the story goes, many more mice would meet their end in that house and after the first few, I no longer felt that same need to comfort each one as it passed...I became jaded and protected...I lost the innocence that I had experienced during that first opportunity.

I know I need to be more conscious of protecting my heart to the point where I close myself off from "walking with God". I don't want to lose the feeling of having my heart fill up to the point of aching, with that special love and warmth that is my spiritual opportunity. For me those moments however fleeting fill me with such happiness that I have no words to describe the experience. And that brings me to the third message given at MfW today.

I only consciously heard the beginning of the message because it was delivered so poetically (to my ears) and so passionately that I lost myself in that glorious feeling I discussed above. As the person speaking went on, I was overcome with feelings and tears flowed...the message touched my heart, opened my heart, even though I was no longer conscious of the words as they were being spoken...but I know that I was hearing them.

I am thankful that these messages meshed together to help me open my heart and feel that loving fullness that tells me that indeed I am walking with God, even if only for a moment. I am thrilled to know that I still have enough innocence that I can get to that place. And I hope that each time I have the opportunity to walk with God, I leave a little of my protection behind.

Reminded of our trip

2008-08-10T13:01:00.026-04:00

It's been a while since I posted, or at least it feels that way to me. We just returned from two and a half weeks in Europe, partially for a conference but mostly for vacation. It was great to get back to Meeting for Worship today after not having been there for 2 weeks. I was amazed at the level of love I felt as I entered the meetinghouse, but even more so in the meeting room.

One message in particular really spoke to me today. Someone stood and spoke of a stone wall he had passed on the way to MfW. For some reason he put his hand on the wall and felt as if the stones were speaking to him, each with it's own story of how it had gotten there. This message reminded me of my experience at the concentration camps we visited while in Europe.

The first camp we went to was Terezinstadt in the Czech Republic. It had originally been set up as a holding camp (waiting room) for political prisoners, but eventually became a place of torture and death for many Jews from the Jewish ghetto in Prague. Eventually, most were transported to death camps and killed. Here is a picture of the entrance to Terezinstadt.

Several days later we took a day trip into Poland and visited both Auschwitz and Birkenau. I fully expected to be inundated with feelings at Auschwitz because that is the place so many people think of first when speaking of Nazi atrocities. Turns out that Auschwitz, although a horrible place, was only the beginning of those feelings. Birkenau was far worse. Birkenau was the true death camp; a final stop for those transported from Auschwitz and other places. Here is a picture from Auschwitz.

After touring Auschwitz we headed to Birkenau. The entry to Birkenau is familiar to those who've seen Schindler's List.

We walked along those dreaded railroad tracks to an open area referred to as the selection point.

As the people on the trains were unloaded (about 100 per car), they were put into two lines; those who appeared healthy enough to be worked to death, and those to be sent immediately to the gas chamber. We had seen several pictures of children walking where we stood, holding hands, moving towards their deaths, unaware of their fate. At this point I started to feel the souls of the people who had passed here. We continued to walk along the tracks toward the back of the camp where the gas chambers and crematoriums had stood. As the end of the war became evident, the Nazis attempted to blow up these sites in an effort to hide their crime. The ruins of the gas chambers and crematoriums now stand as a memorial and that is what we were walking towards.

I stood at this spot and the souls that I had earlier started to feel, now overwhelmed me. I lost it. Tears rolled and I had to fight to keep from all out sobbing. I cried not just for those that had died there (some of which may likely have been my relatives), but for the realization of how cruel human beings can be. I couldn't help but wonder how so many people could follow along with these plans of horrible torture and merciless death. I cried for the fact that even though these ruins are such a clear indicator of how horrible people can be to one another, this kind of hatred still exists in the world today...we (as an all encompassing term) don't learn. We didn't learn from the near extinction of the Indians living in America before it was "discovered"...Abu Ghraib, Guantanamo, Kosovo, Sudan, and so many more.

The message during MfW spoke to me as a reminder of our trip. The stones in that wall each had their own story, and I felt like each piece of gravel that I walked over told the story of the people that had walked there previously. My hope (and it's probably idealistic) is that someday humans can learn from the past instead of repeating it...that we can learn to love the differences that make us individuals.

On a brighter note, my clearness committee for membership is this coming week and I am very excited!

Adoption

2008-07-20T16:10:00.009-04:00

Today Meeting for Worship, was quiet. Probably had something to do with the heat which apparently hit 5000 degrees today...it was hot! Only two messages, both having something to do with adoption. After meeting I told one of these folks that I would do a blog entry about my experience with adoption....I hope this helps!

Growing up, I always knew I didn't want to be a parent. I never had the maternal instinct except for puppies and kittens (mostly puppies). This was never something I thought twice about, it just wasn't for me and I knew it. It's not like there wasn't opportunity, there was, but I took every precaution to ensure NO PREGNANCY! So now you're probably thinking, where is she going with this?

Well, when I met Shelly, she had two kids, two adopted kids. Shelly and her ex-husband couldn't have children "naturally", so they chose to adopt. First was Jeremy, adopted at 3 days old and then Lauren, also adopted at 3 days old. When I met them they were 14 and 10 respectively. Getting involved with Shelly meant getting involved with kids, these kids. And I did it...got involved anyway...with Shelly and one teenager and one soon to be teenager.

A little anecdote in the middle of the story: Lauren's adoption is open and her birth mother has been an integral part of our family. The adoption was opened when Lauren was 8 because that was what Lauren wanted. Okay, so time goes on, her mother moves out and comes out, meets me, and her father meets a woman. When Lauren was 13, she had her Bat Mitzvah, and there in the front row, was her mother and her partner (me), her birth mother, and her father and his girlfriend...we dubbed this Four Mamas and a Papa. This of course is a dream come true for every 13 year old, extra parents.

Time continued to progress and Jeremy lived with us exclusively for some time but as he got older, it became apparent that he should be living with his father. Around that time, the "opportunity" arose for Lauren to live with us exclusively. I think she was 14 at the time and acting out would have been an understatement. No need for details , but let's just agree that it was not an easy time. In fact, Shelly's answer to "How are you?" became, "Nobody's pregnant and nobody's in jail...we're doing well".

So here I am, never wanting to have kids, living with a teenage girl whose sole mission appeared to be making life miserable for any parental type figure. Around this time, her father really started to back away from his involvement with her and eventually with his son as well (a few years later). So, now I am really kind of in the role of second parent in a non-parenting kind of way. Lauren resented me for a long time...it was not easy. But you know what, I never second guessed the decision to get involved in this dynamic...

The relationship with Jeremy was never difficult for me. He has his stuff (like any kid), but he is very charming and likable. We shared musical interests and I took him to his first rock concert. I took Lauren to a concert as well...N'Sync. Yes, I admit it, I saw Justin Timberlake and the boys. There is a good reason why I did this. When I was 12, my parents took me to see David Cassidy (I'm dating myself here)because I was head over heels in love with him...I cried for 5 minutes when he walked on stage. It is one of the greatest memories of my childhood and it meant the world to me. That is why I did the same for Lauren.

Skip ahead to the present. Jeremy is 25 and Lauren is 22. They both live on their own(ish) and we all have a pretty good relationship. They have grown up and Jeremy is still the same likable guy he always was and Lauren has grown into a nice young woman. She is still moody, but so am I sometimes.

So, in the big picture and in the long run, having these kids in my life has been a mostly positive and life enriching experience. And what does this really have to do with adoption? Well, if Shelly hadn't adopted them.....but even more then that...I feel like an unofficial adoptive parent to these kids. I think that they might agree with that. I'm glad, really glad, that they are in my life. I've learned that adoption is beautiful...to make the choice to care for and love as your own, a child that you did not give birth to, is a very loving choice. At Lauren's ballet recital when she was around 11 or 12, her birth mother joined us. When Lauren's group entered the stage, her birth mother cried her eyes out and said to Shelly, "I am so thankful that she is with you. I could have never given this to her." It was so clearly two mothers in different respects that loved this child enough to give her the best thing that each of them could do.

God, I feel old....

Why wait?

2008-07-14T12:43:00.010-04:00

Well, it's been a year since I started attending Quaker Meeting. It will be another few months before I will be a member (hopeful).

Meeting for Worship was quiet yesterday and I was kind of thankful for that. I almost spoke once again...came REALLY close. Instead I am here blogging the message. It all started with the movie Shelly and I rented and watched on Saturday evening with our F/friend Mickey who also joined us for dinner.

We watched the movie, "Death at a Funeral". It is a cute, funny English film. This comedy got me thinking about deeper things related to funerals. As I've mentioned previously, this year started with what I thought would be the one-a-month funeral plan. Unfortunately, I've been to way too many funerals in my life already. The question that the movie raised for me in relation to my own funeral experiences was about eulogies and the things we say after a person has died.

In a eulogy and when we speak of the recently departed, for the most part, we say really kind things about the person. We speak of the wonderful things that person had done, how that person touched our lives, how much that person meant to us, how we felt about the person. My question is this, why do we wait until someone dies to say nice things about them? Why don't we tell them how we feel while they are here to hear it from us?

This is not a new question for me; I've been pondering this for a long time, but it was really playing strongly during MfW. Since I've been ruminating on this for some time, I've been trying to be conscious of my own words of thanks to others and of letting those around me know how much they mean to me. However, sometimes I think that folks don't know what to do with these words. Have we become so self-involved that not only do we not tell folks what we feel and think, but that we also can't hear it when folks tell us those things?

I am working on this from both sides. Trying to say what/how I feel more often and also working to hear it when others say kind things to me. I find that it is much easier to say kind words than to hear them directed at me, yet I still want to hear them.

I'm not sure that there is an easy answer here, but I will continue to think about this. I'm also going to continue to work on letting the people that are so important to me know how I feel and to let myself be open to hearing when others have kind words for me.

While writing this entry, I've been listening to this song...I think it is so very beautiful.

That darned Constitution again

2008-06-27T17:31:00.007-04:00

Okay granted, this probably belongs on my No Complacency blog, but I am posting it here instead.

Well, with the economy tanking, the price of gas pushing $5.00, and no end in sight in Iraq or Afghanistan, it's time to get our priorities "straight". Once again Republican (it makes my fingers hurt just typing that word) Senators are at it again....reintroducing the Federal Marriage Amendment (FMA) to write discrimination into the Constitution. But wait, it gets even better. According to this article from the Carpetbaggerreport.com, two of the sponsors of this hatred are none other than prostitute hiring David Vitter (R-La.) and "I'm not gay, I have a wide bathroom stance" Larry Craig (R-Idaho).

Now, I can't speak for anyone else but I'm thinking that if I was facing foreclosure on my house, or having to make a decision between food for my family or gas to get to work, I'd would be hoping that the government would be doing important work to help put an end to this suffering. Instead, they're back to FMA with 2 of the biggest hypocrite Senators as sponsors. Okay and this doesn't even touch on that Supreme Court ruling on the Second Amendment.

So really in the long run I think the important lesson here is, November. For all the Hillary supporters who said they won't vote for Barack Obama or would rather vote for McCain...get a clue folks. McCain = 4 more years of Bush politics, 4 more years of "Mission Accomplished", 4 more years of Senators pushing ultra right wing agendas like FMA, and 4 more years of Republican appointments to the Supreme Court!!! If $5.00/gallon gas, a total misinterpretation of the Second Amendment, and an unholy alliance of religion and state doesn't get you motivated...

Remember, 1/20/09!

Circles

2008-06-22T13:44:00.006-04:00

Today at Meeting for Worship there was a common thread that ran through most messages...circles. Mostly, the messages were about the circles that we remain in because they define our comfort zones. Several Friends talked about ways they were veering out of their circles. This really got me thinking about my own circles or what I had thought of as my lack of circles.

I never really fit in to any one particular group (clique). As a teenager this was troublesome but as an adult I've learned to appreciate my differences. I don't try to fit in any longer as I have come to realize that I am who I am and I kinda like not marching to drummer that everyone else is marching to. I like to think that instead I am sort of walking along listening to a drumming circle in my head. That way if the beat strays a little, I can stray a little, and that is okay. So, then in MfW I started to think that it was nice to not be in a necessarily defined circle. But then it occurred to me, that in fact I am in a circle, just a different kind of circle...my own comfort zone. And the truth is, just like everyone else, I like my comfort zone. Really, my own belief that I am not part of any specific circle, only means that I am part of a different circle. We are all part of the circle that we create, that we travel around every day. Our circles overlap other circles like in the Venn diagrams that absolutely fascinate me. As we overlap, we have the opportunity to step out of our circles and into other circles. I think this is a pretty safe way of moving outside of our comfort zones; a safety zone of sorts. This way we can enter an adjoining circle or maybe we can expand our circle. And sometimes we take giant steps out of our "safe" circle. That was the other thought I had during for MfW.

Discovering Quakers and slowly but surely becoming a Quaker was a huge step outside of my circle in some ways. Certainly, many of the "tenets" of Quakers were already part of my circle, but becoming a Quaker and getting involved in the community that makes up my Meeting was not. It took me out of my safe zone and meant that eventually I would need to "come out" to the people that exist in my circle or within my larger Venn diagram. This was definitely outside of my comfort zone not because coming out was challenge (been there, done that), but because telling my circle about my new spiritual home amongst the Quakers meant leaving a small piece of my old circle behind to make room for the new expansion that I was adding. It meant reassuring concerned friends that I was not turning my back on the circle we all existed within, but that I was expanding my circle. I was risking their acceptance of my expanding circle...way outside of the comfort zone that I knew, outside of my circle.

So my new Venn diagram is different from the one I had a year ago. It is a reflection of my life, a work in progress, a reshaping of my circle. This from a person who vehemently avoided change for so long and in some ways I still do avoid change. But age and wisdom have shown me that change and the acceptance of change is what helps us grow as people. And yes, sometimes that forces us to step outside of our comfort zones in order to reshape or expand our circles. So I guess in the big picture, I really do have a circle even though I thought I did not, but I know that my circle is ever changing. And if I really think about it and let myself admit it, deep down, I kind of like knowing that I have a safe circle to travel in.

Things that DO matter to me

2008-06-19T11:19:00.003-04:00

At the urging of Karen C, a woman whose wisdom I cherish and respect, especially after yesterday, I am adding a post about the things that DO matter to me. Again, please feel free to add your own by clicking the comments link below.

the list 6/19/2008

love
sincerity
honesty
convictions (not the criminal ones although they might also matter depending on what they are?!?)
support (not the financial kind, but if you insist...)
understanding or at least the attempt
follow-through
integrity
dependability

This list is certainly not complete. These my friends, are what you can expect from me because how could I ask these from you without being willing to give at least the same in return.

Things that don't matter to me

2008-06-18T08:04:00.003-04:00

I'm not sure why, but I have decided to post a list of things that don't matter to me. The list will be in no particular order. If you have something to add to the list, please post it as a comment. Maybe I'll add a list of things that do matter to me...

the list - June 18, 2008

your hair color
your skin color
your eye color
your title
your religion
how much money you have
your hair style
your sexual orientation
your sexual preferences (as long as nobody gets hurt and there are no children involved!)

okay, gotta go do the work thing, so that's it for now. Please add your own.

Closure

2008-06-02T10:49:00.007-04:00

Meeting for Worship was fairly quiet yesterday...only a few messages, but they were powerful. One particular message really spoke to me. A Friend spoke about cemeteries and her recollection of them as not sad places. She then mentioned that she'd like to have a place similar to a cemetery were other things could be laid to rest. I would love to have a place like that; a place were I can put friendships and relationships that didn't stand the test of time but still have not had closure. Some of these memories haunt me as my mind and my heart try to find the correct storage place for something not quite finished.

There is a finality to burying a person that can be tremendously difficult during its occurrence, but over time that finality allows healing to occur. I think that if I had a place to put that "unfinished business", my heart and mind would have more free space (disk defrag for the heart and mind?) for the good things and the more current situations. In turn, I know I would sleep better without all those old memories and thoughts vying for time as I try to close my eyes.

I also think that if that old stuff were gone, I'd be more open to feeling good more often...less time thinking about the past, more time thinking about the present and how good it really is. I think I'd be less likely to get upset because someone interrupted my thoughts (read worries). Yeah, maybe less worries.

So, I will think about where to put these things that I really don't want to hold onto any longer...things that need closure but might never get it. I will think about some type of finality that might give me a sense of closure.

In that moment

2008-05-26T09:52:00.011-04:00

It's been an interesting week. Well, let me take it back even a bit further than just this past week. Over the course of the past several weeks, I've made a rather important decision. This was capped off by a really wonderful day.

About two months ago I had kind of an epiphany will driving. I like to drive with loud music on...it allows me to be present for the driving but also to be with the music. And of course, I sing my heart out which is something best left to the solitude of my car! For some reason, driving with the music turned up gives me the chance to think. Maybe it has something to do with matching the song selections to my mood. Anyway, while driving I had an overpowering sudden emotional "reaction" similar to the feelings I often experience during Meeting for Worship (MfW). Somehow I knew at that moment that it was time for me to apply to become a member of the Meeting that I attend. So f/Friends, I have done it. I waited about a month and a half before actually writing the letter, but the feeling just kept shaking me. Apparently, the Summer will slow the process, but in the end, I hope to be a member in the Fall.

So, yesterday. I walked to MfW because the weather was beautiful and the price of gas is killing me. The walk is somewhere around a mile and a half. MfW was wonderful (only one heavy Jesus message)with most messages centered around Memorial Day and Quakers. I can understand how this holiday could give pause to Quakers. That being said, the messages given during MfW articulated a deeper meaning and justification for partaking in Memorial Day...perhaps if we listen to the stories and the memories of veterans, it will help us to not have future wars <-- the way oversimplified version for the sake of brevity.

But there is more; I came away from Meeting with a warm feeling of belonging, of feeling a part of this community. I'm not exactly sure why (some things don't necessarily need an answer) but it was a peaceful and welcomed feeling. During my walk home I felt more relaxed and at ease than I have felt for a very long time. Even when I arrived at my house, I wanted to stay outside longer as if going inside would be a demarcation of change. So, I sat on the steps in front of the house and just watched the world and basked in the beauty of the moment for a little while. I could have sat there for hours. But alas, life intervenes. There was a new grill sitting on the deck that needed to be assembled. I am grateful to have had that moment of peace that I so badly needed. It was both refreshing and rejuvenating.

friends - small "f"

2008-05-16T12:57:00.007-04:00

Have you heard someone say, "we're just friends"? I think this gives friends a bad rap. To me, friends are an incredibly important part of my life, especially considering the small amount of family I have left. In fact, as I've mentioned in previous posts, some of my friends have really become my family of choice.

Friendship means trust, love, caring. I am not so quick to open myself to people, for whatever reason. When I call someone a friend, it is a very important distinction for me...it means that I trust that person enough to open myself up to them, to let them in. This does not come easily to me; if I call someone a friend, it means that I really trust them. Sometimes this leads to me getting hurt. I guess this has something to do with trusting people until they give me a reason not to trust them. Most of the time though, it is trust from a distance with my guard walls up. Someone recently said that I am afraid of the "v" word, vulnerable. It was said in jest, but I am thinking about how true this might be. But, I believe this is a learned behavior after many losses and not wanting to be hurt (emotionally) anymore. The truth here is that since I started attending Quaker Meeting, I (and others) feel that I am have opened myself up more (a lot) than in the past.

Yes, this post has been edited.....

Interfaith Peace Walk in Philadelphia

2008-05-08T08:31:00.004-04:00

This peace walk will be held in Philadelphia. If you are elsewhere, hopefully you will also have a similar event...if you do please post a response with pics and info about your event.

Who: Philadelphia Interfaith Walk for Peace Walk & Reconciliation, Mothers In Charge & Neighborhood Interfaith Movement
When: Sunday, May 18, 2008 - 2:00-6:30 PM
What: 5th Annual Philadelphia Interfaith Walk for Peace & Reconciliation
Where: Starting Point - Masjid Muhammad, 411 E. Penn Street @ Belfield Ave
Ending Point - Mishkan Shalom, 4101 Freeland Ave @ Shurs Lane

Contact
Anna Guarneri
(215)843-5600 ext.105
aguarneri@nim-phila.org

Muslims, Jews, Christians and people of all faiths walk for peace on Sunday, May 18, 2008 in the 5th Annual Philadelphia Interfaith Walk for Peace & Reconciliation

Philadelphia (May 2008): Sponsored by Philadelphia Interfaith Walk for Peace and Reconciliation, Mothers in Charge and the Neighborhood Interfaith Movement, the Philadelphia Interfaith Walk for Peace and Reconciliation is an annual gathering organized by Muslims, Jews, Christians, Sikhs, Buddhists, Baha’i, secular people and others concerned about and committed to multi-religious and cross-cultural cooperation. The walk offers Philadelphia a soulful alternative to the violence in the world and violence in the streets gripping so many Philadelphia neighborhoods. This year’s theme “Peace in Our Hearts, Our Streets and The World” conveys the spirit of the event, that people can come together to build bridges, connect and communicate in meaningful and sustaining ways.

The Philadelphia Interfaith Walk for Peace and Reconciliation began when a group of Jews, Muslims and Christians came together wanting to increase dialogue and understanding between their religions and other diverse groups that value inclusiveness and authentic partnerships. The organizers, dedicated to creating opportunities for peace by helping people reaffirm the common roots of their different religious traditions, strive to build relationships across the traditional divisions of religion, culture and race to bring about peaceful change.

Last year the Interfaith Peace Walk drew some 1000 people from all over Philadelphia including the surrounding counties. Since the first walk in 2004, it has become an annual event, this year making its way from Germantown through Mt. Airy to Roxborough. True to its multi-cultural multi-religious tradition, the walk creates opportunities for people to learn about and celebrate their own and others’ faiths. Walkers will visit different places of worship, including a Muslim masjid, a Presbyterian church, a Unitarian church and a Synagogue for moments of prayer, song, learning, and interfaith celebration.

By walking, praying and giving witness to suffering together, the event is meant to be a kind of walking dialogue or spiritual journey of discovery. As such, it is intentionally non-political, no signs or banners aside from those that express a wish for peace are permitted. Organizers are asking participants to wear white in a display of unity.

This year, the walk begins at 2:00 p.m. at Masjid Muhammad in Germantown at 411 E. Penn Street. After an opening ceremony, the walk proceeds to the First Presbyterian Church of Germantown, 35 West Chelten Avenue then moves on to the Unitarian Society of Germantown at 6511 Lincoln Drive. At the final stop in Roxborough at Mishkan Shalom, the walk will culminate with refreshments and socializing. Throughout the route, shuttle buses will be provided for those who are unable to walk. For those coming from Center City and South Philadelphia, at 12:30 p.m. there will be a pre-walk gathering at Al Aqsa Islamic Society, at 3rd and Jefferson Streets in Old Kensington. Transportation will be provided to Masjid Muhammad for the start of the walk at 2:00pm.

For more information, visit www.interfaithpeacewalk.org or call Vic Compher (267)-266-0842, Lance Laver (610) 668-9845, Adab Ibrahim (215) 805-6062, or Anna Guarneri at NIM at (215)843-5600 ext.105.

Granny Peace Brigade-Knitting Stump Socks for Iraq war veterans

2008-04-19T16:43:00.002-04:00

The Granny Peace Brigade Philadelphia is joining the Grannies
of New York and Denver, Colorado (and others) in *knitting
"Stump Socks" for our Iraq war veterans.* Three yarn shops
in Granny areas have been contacted and have agreed to support
the project:
Rosie's Yarn Cellar at 2017 Locust Street in Center City
The Tangled Web at 7900 Germantown Ave. in Chestnut Hill
The Ewe and I at 221 Haverford Ave. in Narbeth.

All three have received a copy of the patterns and the
information below and are looking forward to helping you when
you come in. (Thanks to Granny Gloria Hoffman for speaking
with The Tangled Web.)

After hearing about the New York Grannies working on this
project, samples were made and sent to the Head of the
Prosthetics Division at the Philadelphia Veterans Medical
Center to get their input on whether these would be useful
and, if so, which sizes and colors would be most appreciated.

The samples were given to amputees at the Center who were
asked to use them and then share their comments with staff.
We knew from both the New York and the Denver Grannies that
the socks had to be able to be machine washed and dried; after
a careful check of available yarns, the samples were made in
knitting worsted weight (Plymouth) Encore and (Berroco)Comfort
yarns.

Response from people at the Prosthetics Department at the
Veterans Medical Center indicated that these yarns were very
comfortable and that the preferred colors would be brown,
khaki, black, medium or dark blue, dark red, medium or dark
green: basic sock colors. It was suggested that it would be
best if knitters avoided using flamboyant colors. Subtle
stripes are fine - if you feel up to it!

*We are asking those of you who knit - and/or have friends who
knit - to visit the yarn shops mentioned. You can bring the
pattern and information below with you however the shops have
received copies of the patterns.

Make your stump sock(s) and get them to me - I will collect
them and get them to our contact at the Medical Center. They
can be brought to a Granny Peace Brigade Philadelphia meeting
or sent to Lois Durso, 1326 Spruce Street #1803, Philadelphia,
PA 19107.

*Patterns below are for three sizes - small, medium and large.

*A. Small Size**
Yarn: Plymouth "Encore" and Berroco "Comfort" knitting
worsted weight
Needles: 16" round needles in sizes 6 and 8 and you will need
size 8 double pointed needles for the decrease rows.
With a 16" size 6 round (or double pointed needles), cast on
72 stitches and work in K2 P2 ribbing for 3 or 4". Switch to
size 8 needle(s) and work in stockinette until piece measures
9" long, including ribbing.
Decreases:
1. K6, K2 tog, K6, K2 tog around the row.
2. Knit one round.
3. K5, K2 tog, K5, K 2 tog across row.
4. K one round.
Continue to decrease in like manner until 9 stitches remain.
Weave stitches together. Weave in ends.

*B. Medium Size*
Same as for *small* but use size 8 needle(s) for the ribbing
and size 10 needle (s) for the stockinette rows and decreases.

*C. Large Size*
Same as "Medium" above but start by casting on 80 stitches.
Note: You will end up with 10 stitches to be woven together.

*N.B.* Please note that the important thing is to work in
multiples of 8 stitches. You can make a *Small* size by
starting with 64 stitches and following the instructions for
the *B. Medium Size* (using sizes 8 and 10 needles) above.
You will end up with 8 stitches to weave together.

Similarly, you can make an *extra large* by starting with 88
stitches. You will end up with 11 stitches to weave together.
I was told that they would need twice as many in Medium,
Large, and Extra large sizes than in the small size.

If you can, please do wash and dry the sock(s) before mailing.

*****It would be wonderful if you would enclose a note with
each sock saying something like - "In thanks for the service
you have given our country" or "Made with Love (or Made with
Thanks) by Granny (your name) of the Granny Peace Brigade
Philadelphia" or something brief so the recipient will
understand you appreciate the sacrifice he or she made.
---------------------
Granny Peace Brigade Philadelphia
http://www.democracyguard.org/granny/
www.GrannyPeaceBrigadePhiladelphia.org

Winning Peace

2008-04-16T19:41:00.003-04:00

Here is a link to a wonderful short film about winning peace...worth watching, listening, hearing, seeing

http://www.bigpicturesmallworld.com/movies/winningpeace.html

Finding the time for all of it...happily

2008-04-06T13:21:00.010-04:00

From time to time, I look over the posts that I've already made because they are meaningful to me. Sometimes the meaning changes over time and sometimes the feelings I've expressed change over time. Looking over the past few posts today after an especially fulfilling Meeting for Worship, I decided that I really needed to write a happy post. Maybe it's a want and not a need...hmmm, I'll ponder that later.

There are two things I want to write about today. The first is about my feelings during Meeting today and the second is about how happy I am to have become part of this community. So, here goes. During Meeting for Worship today, most of the messages were centered around play, as adults. Many people spoke about how wonderful it is to play or how great it is to watch others play. I was unexpectedly hit with the realization that I don't play nearly as much as I would like to. Since starting this *&#)@* dissertation process, I am consumed with getting work done. Whether it is writing or getting other work done to make time for writing, I don't leave enough time for my own desire to play. I've always been proud of the fact that inside I am really just a big kid and I feel like I've kind of lost a part of that over the past 2 and a half years since I started this process. In fact, it has gotten so bad that I sometimes get upset with Shelly for making plans that will take me away from my "work". I think that what struck me today was that I need to let my self play and not be thinking things like, "I could be getting ____ done instead". Play a game of pictionary with friends, ride my bike...something, anything that is just for fun.

The other thing I wanted to write about is how grateful I am for this wonderful Quaker community that I am becoming a part of. It has been a slow process getting to know people but that is my mishigas...that may be spelled wrong...it is Yiddish and loosely translated means something like my stuff or my baggage. But, now that the majority of the awkward stage has passed for me, I am feeling more a part of the community. This is great because I really do love going to this meeting. No need for me to go into that here; I've written several posts regarding my feelings about Quaker worship. But feeling a part of the community extends beyond worship. To me it means being involved with the community. Community has become very important to me as I've gotten older. About a month ago, I was asked to join the Peace and Social Concerns committee and I said yes. This is a very active committee and I will give as much as I can to it. The work that this committee does it very close to my heart and I am happy to be involved. Today, the Clerk of the Meeting asked to be the content editor for the monthly newsletter. I hesitated because I promised myself I wouldn't take on anything else, but I said yes because in my heart it felt like the right thing to do and the truth is, I was actually happy to be asked.

So what does this all mean and how do these two things tie together? On one hand I am saying that I need to leave more time for myself to play, and on the other hand I am taking on more responsibility. Well, I think it works like this, at least for me...yes, I need to play more, or relax more, or chill out more, but I also need/want to feel a part of this community. To me that means giving a piece of myself in order to sustain the community. So, with that being said, I am happy to give what I can and I will still find some time to play.

Undoing the past

2008-04-01T09:06:00.004-04:00

Did you ever wish you could turn back time and undo things? I am grappling with an issue that I wish I could undo. It is related to a course I developed (with a team).

The course was approved to pilot yesterday after a year and a half of development and fighting for its approval. It's been quite the roller coaster ride. I put way too much of myself into the course and its success became too personal for me. The course was much simpler in its original incarnation and I wish it had stayed that way. The sad truth is that after it was approved yesterday, I felt no great happiness...I was just too numb from the process. There are people that no longer talk to me because of this process; anger and upset was more present throughout than the joy that creating a course like this might have brought. To be honest, if I knew these things would happen, I would never have started this development...in the long run, I don't feel that it was worth it. I'm not really happy that it was approved and in my heart, I really don't think that it will be allowed to run again after it pilots...they will pick it apart as they've been doing for the past several months. They approved it with the threat of "we'll be watching" and the promise of hard scrutinizing; basically telling me that if it doesn't meet their criteria, it will be killed in committee. In other words, a set up for failure. I am not looking forward to dealing with this same narrow minded group of people a year from now after the course pilots.

And tomorrow is a work day....

2008-03-30T21:29:00.005-04:00

It's been an especially draining weekend and I'm feeling pretty well tapped. Saturday morning started with the funeral of one of my colleagues. He died fairly suddenly last Friday. Now, you have to understand that the department I work in has a number of "older" faculty, so the colleague that died was nowhere near the top of the list of folks we might hear about any day. I got hopelessly lost on my way to the funeral and ended up being substantially late. Anyway, this is the third funeral I've been to this year and I feel like I am on the one a month funeral plan. It is taking its toll. So, not a good start to the weekend, but also not an indicator of what was to come later that day.

Saturday evening my little cousin (she's still six years old in my eyes) got married. A very happy occasion made even better by the fact that her mother, my first cousin, Nancy, was there. Nancy had a heart valve replaced only a few months ago. This was her second heart valve replacement. It was truly a miracle to see her dancing at her daughters wedding!

Okay, yeah, I did mention draining. Well, I knew that my sister would be at the wedding. Before Saturday evening, I hadn't spoken to or seen my sister in two and a half years...not since she left that message on the answering machine telling me to go to hell and to never f*cking call her again. My sister had a stroke 9 years ago when she was 36 years old that resulted in paralysis of her left arm and limited movement in her left leg. Since her stroke she has become morbidly obese and has developed diabetes. We've always had a rather contentious relationship and the stroke did not help. Believe me when I tell you that I did everything in my power to help her but the stroke left her bitter and often downright mean. Lots of therapy has helped me not feel so guilty about obeying the instructions my sister left on that answering machine. I finally decided that having my own stroke would not make things better for either one of us.

So anyway...when my sister walked into the room where the wedding was being held, my heart broke into a thousand pieces. She looked no different than the last time I saw her, but it is absolutely heartbreaking to see her in that condition...not even a slight memory of who she was before the stroke. After the ceremony, I spent some time trying to avoid seeing her and having to talk to her and then decided that I needed to. So I found her, sitting alone because she couldn't get up the stairs to where the cocktail hour was taking place. I sat down and we instantly got into an argument about that phone message. I stopped the conversation and insisted that we not "do this" and the conversation turned to her ailments instead...a sad option, but better than the argument. Eventually the party started and my sister and I were seated at different tables. Great I thought, but in reality...not so good.

There is quite a bit of sad history in my family that I will not get into, but suffice to say that there are family members that are rather angry people including one cousin that was at our table. He made some nasty comment about me that I won't repeat but I can tell you that it hurt and it was uncalled for...I think he thought he was being funny. This was followed by his son (maybe 21 years old) coming up to me. He'd been drinking , Scotch I believe, and stated that I should have a drink because I seemed rather uptight. Who wouldn't be at this point?

Thankfully, I was actually sitting next to another cousin and we had some really pleasant conversation and some difficult talk as well. We talked about my father and for the first time since his death 33 years ago, I realized that most of my extended family knew the circumstances of his death (self inflicted cyanide poisoning). They also knew the financial situation that he left for my mother to clean up. I'm not sure if mortified is the correct word but it comes pretty close. Maybe you know the feeling of when the entire room rushes away from you and you are left shrinking in your seat?! I'm not sure how I got through the entire evening but I did.

This morning I thought I was too drained to even go to Meeting for Worship, but then decided I needed it. When I first sat down, the intensity was a bit overwhelming and I felt my eyes welling up. I knew that I needed to find a happy place...I needed let myself be open and I concentrated on letting myself feel the Light in that room. There were only three messages today, and two of them were very light and they made me smile from down deep...I was thankful for this, incredibly thankful. So, needless to say, I was very happy that I decided to go to Meeting today. I am still feeling pretty drained but definitely better than I did when I woke up.

So, this blog entry may contain more info than I care to have the reader know, but it felt really good to get it out...so thank you for bearing with me. This entry could have gone on for far longer; there are many details that are not here. Please forgive me (or thank me) for not giving you the entire history infused version.

Finding "that of God" in others

2008-03-17T07:27:00.008-04:00

One thing that has not ceased to amaze me is the way my thoughts show up in other Friend's messages during meeting. Clearly there is some higher power, spirit, whatever name you want to call it, at work here. It rattles me every time it happens, and it happens often. This week was no exception.

I've been struggling with finding "that of God" in one person in particular. She is a very manipulative and self serving person that really doesn't seem to care about hurting others in order to help herself. It has been difficult for me to find that bright spot about her and it bothers me deeply. I guess it was about a week or so ago that I asked a Friend (also friend) this question: What do you when you can't find "that of God" in someone...what then? She didn't have the answer, but referred me to others to talk to.

This week during Meeting for Worship, a woman spoke about her practice at home and how she tries to find the good in people, even people she "hates". She mentioned a few names of people that I think we all would agree would come close to evoking that feeling in most of us. Regardless, she works on finding the good in those people. She talked about knowing down deep that these people probably believe that they are doing what is best, probably are not purposely trying to hurt others, but really in their hearts believe they are doing the right thing.

I heard this message as a way to work on my own query...finding that of God in the person I mentioned earlier. I need to find the Light in her and to know that somewhere down deep (really buried way down deep, I fear) she truly believes she is doing the right thing. Maybe I need to separate out whether she holds a concern for others in her actions. Perhaps I am looking too hard, but I struggle with this...and I will continue to give her the benefit of my doubt until I do find that Light coming from her.

For those who have never been to a Quaker meeting: during my first meeting, the silence and I what felt in that silence, rocked my world. Since then, occurrences such as hearing Friends voice what I am thinking convinces me that God is most certainly present in my life and in that Meetinghouse. My heart and my life are fuller and I feel that I am getting better at reflecting that out to others.

Words

2008-02-17T12:11:00.004-05:00

Two distinctly different messages during Meeting for Worship left me with one thought....words. The first message near the start of Meeting was about a project that CHFM is involved with related to the Fairhill Burial Ground where a number of famous abolitionists such as Robert Purvis and Lucretia Mott (also a feminist) are buried. The project brought together young neighborhood children, a city council woman and a newspaper writer. The children had written essays about Robert Purvis and read them aloud as all stood around his grave. The city council woman and the writer spoke to the children of their own experiences in that neighborhood.

A little background about the neighborhood: The zip code in that area houses the neighborhood with the highest number of people living below the poverty line; somewhere between 80%-95%. The neighborhood has come to be known throughout Philadelphia as the "Badlands"(we'll get back to that later) because of the high level of drug activity and violence that plagues the area. Gentrification (not necessarily a good thing) in the area has changed the neighborhood a bit but that is another story.

The message that the city council woman and the writer gave to those children was of hope...they had made it out from under the weight and stigma of the area to become successful.

The second message during meeting was about a Quaker memorial service the previous day. The man who delivered the message spoke about how moved he was by the messages that were given during the memorial. He spoke of two in particular, both delivered by people that barely knew the woman that had passed but both so moved by her words that they felt compelled to attend her memorial and speak about her in such high regard.

Words can mean so much, both spoken and unspoken. In the first message I mentioned, the words were given to those children to give them hope. They live in an area referred to as the "Badlands". This word has been splashed across the front page of every newspaper in the city in reference to that area. The people that live there despise the term...this is their home and truth be told, there is very little hope in the word "Badlands".

The second message was also very moving because it was about a woman whose words spoke to others in way that touched them personally and so strongly.

This all got me thinking about words and the power of words. Sometimes we speak in haste or in anger and words come out that we can never take back. Sometimes they hurt and sometimes they heal. Sometimes they are superficial and sometimes they have depth. And then there are the unspoken words, and these can be just as powerful as the spoken words. A compliment not given, a thank you left unsaid, an encouragement not spoken when needed, a response never received. These can be very strong messages as well.

For me, I know that sometimes I speak before I should. I speak out of anger at times and then regret the words especially if I know they hurt someone. I've gotten better at waiting until the anger settles before I use words but I still need more practice (not that I'm looking to be angry in order to practice). I also need to work on speaking the unspoken but necessary words. Writing this blog helps but I find it unlikely that the people that I want to hear the words are actually reading this blog...maybe they are but their words are unspoken!? Or maybe the blog just helps me to get to a better understanding of myself and my own actions...maybe it helps someone else that needs to hear these words as well.

I have no grand ending and I think I've rambled on enough for now, so I will leave you with one word....peace.

Mid-week Meeting for Worship

2008-02-12T15:55:00.000-05:00

Today is Tuesday and it feels like I am solidly into my work week. The stress level is up, the semester is in full swing. The students are, well they're students...and of course the university politics are just as thick and cumbersome as ever.

For one blessed hour each week, there is Meeting for Worship. Even though in a recent blog entry I questioned if I'd found what I was looking for...in my heart I know that I have. I know this because I look forward to Meeting all week, for that hour when the world melts away. That hour when I can sit in relative silence, in community, and feel the presence of God (or whatever terminology/name you prefer) in that room and in my heart. Sometimes the feeling is elusive, hard to reach, and even harder to hold on to. But for that split second that the feeling exists, it is pure joy. It is like a happiness in my heart that I find nowhere else.

So that bring me to the point of this blog entry. I would love to find a mid-week Meeting for Worship. Friends (small "f") have said, "well maybe you could just meditate" but that isn't the answer. Sure I could meditate and that would be great for relaxation. But, it would lack the spiritual aspect and the community. I think it would be great to have another opportunity for worship during the craziness of the work week.

Is it something in the air?

2008-02-09T11:06:00.000-05:00

In my last post I talked about cancer and where to put the anger. Today I feel overwhelmed with the sadness of cancer. Today we are headed to a funeral for a young man who died this past week from this disease. His name is Ryan and he was 17 years old.

Ryan was diagnosed with cancer when he was 12. A fall from his skateboard sent him to the hospital for xrays. No broken bones were found; instead a tumor on his femur. Surgeons removed the diseased bone and replaced it with a titanium rod...amazing technology. Within 2 years doctors found cancer in his lungs and later another tumor in his leg. This young man endured countless surgeries, chemo, and drug treatments, none of which saved his life.

Young Ryan made the choice to end his treatment and go into hospice care. Many doctors are reluctant to order hospice care for young patients, preferring instead to treat aggressively until the end. This often results in excruciating pain for the patient. Ryan opted out knowing that the end result would be the same either way. He made a very brave and rather adult choice to live out his life with the most quality of life that he could have. Heavy pain meds kept him comfortable so that he was able to visit with family and friends, listen to music, and play video games. I applaud his choice because it really was his to make. He had had enough. Thankfully he was blessed with parents that listened to him instead of making decisions based on their own feelings and those of the doctors.

Ryan lived as full a life as cancer would allow a teenager to live. The last time I saw him, he was in the swimming pool playing with all the other kids that were attending his birthday party. He was diving off the diving board just like all the other kids. It was only when you saw the giant scars down his leg and across his chest, that you knew there was something different about this kid.

So Ryan, taken from this Earth way too soon, rest in peace. You've made this place richer for all of us that knew you.

So, yesterday

2008-02-04T09:49:00.000-05:00

Superbowl Sunday...generally a somber day(in a way) for me being a football fan (okay, fanatic). Superbowl Sunday marks the end of football season. Every year Shelly and I have a Superbowl party, except for the year that we actually went to the Superbowl. This year the party was bigger than ever, somewhere close to 30 people. It was definitely louder than ever. It was also sadder than ever. At some point during the evening, one of our friends pulled us aside and told us that she had been diagnosed with lung cancer the week before...it hit me hard. This just on the heals of the death of my friend Deepali, and it also shook out some older feelings about watching my mother live with and then die from lung cancer.

It seems like everywhere I turn I hear about someone with cancer...I think I must know 5 people currently living with this disease in one form or another. So what gives? Is this a function of getting older...watching your friends get sick? Is it a function of the toxic society we live in? I'm not sure if I am more angry or more sad. The sadness is easy but the anger kind of creeps up on me. And where do I address the anger...who can I be angry with? Yes, I am definitely angry at the tobacco industry that lied for so long, but we know the truth now and people still smoke. Angry at the government for letting the environment get this bad? Or corporate Amerika that continues to spill toxins into the air, the water, the ground even though they know the truth? And so I blog...not really looking for answers. Maybe instead a gaggle of folks who understand and commiserate (thank God for spell checker). The weight of the world is large and sometimes it helps to know that others are also carrying some of it.

Troubled

2008-01-27T12:06:00.000-05:00

For the first time since I started attending Meeting, I find myself troubled. As I've mentioned in previous posts, I come from a Jewish background and feel that I will always consider myself to be Jewish, even if were to also feel that I am a Quaker. I've been attending meetings regularly for about 6 months now. Often people have messages which includes God language, many times, Jesus. After hearing this so often, I came to realize that Jesus was part of that person's experience and that works for me. In fact, there have times that those messages spoke to me in some way. And I understand that we may all see God in different ways and with different names. Today was different.

In Meeting today there were many messages regarding Christianity and Quakers as Christians and as part of the larger Christian community. This was difficult for me to hear, personally. Though on some level I know that Quakers come from a Christian foundation, I was able to find a comfortable place in the knowledge that Quakerism is open to anyone and that not all Quakers feel that they are Christian. That knowledge gives me a place to fit into Quakerism. Today felt different. Talk of a Peace Conference in the making that is to be ecumenical and not interfaith disturbed me. It made me very sad and for the first time since coming to Quakerism, made me question if indeed I have found what I was searching for. (added 1/28) I know that spiritually I've definitely found what I was searching for...

I am very good at distancing myself from others, putting up walls and being something of a loner. Sometimes it bothers me but mostly it doesn't. The one place that I don't want to be a loner is in a spiritual or faith community. I've made a number of connections at this Meeting...several people that I enjoy spending time with and getting to know them has been a joy and for me, an integral part of feeling like I am a part of the community of this Meeting. But to sit in Meeting and hear talk of planning for a Peace Conference that is to be ecumenical, feels exclusionary to me, and I feel a part of the exclusion. This is not so much on a personal level, but deeper, as a member also of the Jewish community. And yes, there are plenty of Jews that care about peace, that think that Israel is very important and that Israeli policies toward Palestinians really suck.

So I am troubled....drawn toward a community that resonates so strongly for me on so many issues in addition to the deep spiritual connection I feel at Meeting and throughout the rest of the week. But, I'm not ready to be considered a Christian, nor do I think I ever will be. And I am troubled about this Peace Conference that feels exclusionary. It seems to me that the best way to work for peace, especially in faith based communities, is through inclusion.

Finding some healing

2008-01-09T09:26:00.000-05:00

After the funeral yesterday, I am feeling drained. My heart still aches for my missing friend...time. Anyway, at the beginning of the New Year (and throughout the year) I like to read this poem/reminder. You may find it cliche, but the message is still good. I've done much searching to find the author in order to give credit...to no avail. So, if you know who the author is, and it is verifiable, please leave a comment and I will happily add the citation.

During the new year...

Mend a quarrel...seek out a forgotten friend...dismiss suspicion and replace it with trust...write a love letter...share some treasure...give a soft answer...manifest your loyalty in word and deed...keep a promise...find the time...forgo a grudge...forgive an enemy...listen...apologize...examine your demands on others...think of your neighbor first...be kind and gentle...laugh a little...laugh a little more...extend your hand to a stranger and the warmth of your heart to a child...find beauty in all that surrounds you...speak your love, speak it again, speak it still once more.

I can only speak for myself and sometimes I need the reminders in this poem. I think that the best way for me to honor the memory of my friend Deepali is to live a good life, be a good person...like she did, like she was.

Remembering Deepali

2008-01-07T20:06:00.000-05:00

I received very sad news today. My friend Deepali passed away yesterday. She was 34 years old. Last June she was diagnosed with stage four breast cancer with liver and brain mets...it was already too late.

I met Deepali in 2002 when I went to work as a programmer/analyst. She was not originally part of our team, but spent much time with us as she learned Java. Eventually we were both moved to Operations Education and worked together on a Lotus Notes project. We became good friends. I only stayed at that job for 2 years, but we remained friends after I left often meeting for lunch. She was one of those people who could eat hordes of food and never gain a pound.

When I first met Deepali, she was still single and she often talked about her friends that were having babies. We joked a lot that one day she would come in and announce that she was pregnant. Well, one day she came in and told us that she had gotten married over the weekend. Well, as you can imagine, it wasn't long before she had that long awaited news...finally pregnant! So, two and a half years ago, Deepali had a beautiful little boy that she just adored.

I found out in September that Deepali was ill. When we talked she told me that the tumor was too large to be removed and that they were treating it with chemo. She told me that she knew something was wrong in January because she had severe pain that limited the use of her arm. The doctors were reluctant to do a mammogram for some reason. Several months later, Deepali finally insisted on that mammogram...it came back negative. I guess they must have known something was there because they moved to an MRI which showed the cancer which had already metastasized.

I had lunch with Deepali in October. She wore a wig that we didn't speak about. Her spirits were high and she was confident that she would beat the cancer. True to herself, she ate a huge lunch...I was happy to see that.

I didn't expect to hear of her passing today or so soon. Tomorrow I will attend her funeral...I can't believe I'm writing that, saying that. I am broken hearted.

I had two friends diagnosed with breast cancer last year...both under 40 years old. One stage four, the other stage two. Neither old enough to have had a baseline mammogram...neither with a family history of breast cancer. Perhaps there is a lesson in this about getting that mammogram, about making sure your doctor listens to you, about the medical community changing the way they view women's health care.

Giving Thanks

2007-12-24T09:22:00.000-05:00

On the eve of our 11th anniversary, Shelly and I decided to rent a movie and make cookies. We rented Eastern Promises and made Toll House cookies. The movie was very good, very well acted and the cookies were perfect. We watch movies when we get the chance, but rarely eat cookies...I can't keep them in the house because I like them too much, cookies and peanut butter. Regardless, it was a special evening and this morning I am thinking about all the special people in my life and how blessed and lucky I am to have them with me. So, I'd like to give thanks to those people that are so incredibly special to me.

As many of you know, my father died when I was 14 and for those of you that don't...this was a choice that he made...no need to say more. My mother died almost 11 years ago from cancer and at this time my sister and I are still not on speaking terms (it's been 2 years). Other than a few cousins, one aunt and one uncle, no other immediate family. So, I've found family in close friends...a family of choice. And an extended family of many other friends.

Sometimes, it is so easy to get caught up in the immediate, when the things that occur everyday occupy our thoughts. It is on days like today (at least for me) that I have the opportunity to sit for a few minutes and think about all the great things in my life. I like to do this at this time of year as I ruminate over the past year. I'll cry a little and I'll laugh a little and I'll try to put my thoughts into words.

Year after year, I am blessed with the same core of friends...this is my family of choice and I think we all feel the same about this. We spend holidays together, celebrate good times together, and support each other in times of need. I think we may be luckier in that respect than many "traditional" families. Outside of the core group, there are friends that are always there, but not as close and there are friends that move in and out over time...new friends and not so new friends....but friends nonetheless. Sometimes I forget to remember how important these people are to me but when I do, it fills my heart with love and makes me feel thankful that I am so lucky to have them. Sometimes we get so caught up in the everyday, that we don't take the time to think about these very important people that make our lives so special.

In this past year, I have discovered Quakers and new Friends/friends. This has been a true blessing. I have a hard time finding the words to describe the warmth I feel in my heart except to say that I have found a level of spiritual fulfillment that I didn't know was possible. It has also given me a place where I can be myself; where I have found others who share my passion and commitment to leaving the world a better place.

So on this day when I am giving thanks, I am not mentioning any names other than Shelly. You know who you are because you are a part of my life, you own a piece of my heart, every single one of you. These tears of joy belong to you and I thank you from a place deep in my soul.

I wish you peace.

That Friend speaks to my condition

2007-11-25T12:12:00.000-05:00

Several weeks ago a friend of mine read one of my blogs. She emailed a response that said, "That Friend speaks to my condition". Well, being pretty new to this whole Quaker thing, I was unsure of exactly what that phrase meant. Don't get me wrong, I had some idea, but not a clear understanding. At first my response was to ask for an explanation but then decided to try to find out for myself. So, I did what I normally do when I don't fully understand something; I Googled it. I read several interpretations of what the statement meant and understood enough to be happy with what I had learned.

Well, today at Meeting for Worship, I gained the full realization of what the statement, "That Friend speaks to my condition" really means. A woman at the meeting and spoke about a statue that is on the mantle in the meeting room and how she felt that she was like one of the people depicted...not the people on the bench, but the one on the floor with her head supported by another person's leg..how it was an awkward position to worship in, but that was how she felt. She asked that Friends continue to accept her in that position. It was at that moment that the statement "That Friend speaks to my condition" became clear to me. Her message spoke to me and my own awkward feelings.

At the rise of meeting I told her that her message really spoke to me and she thanked me for telling her and I thanked her for sharing her message. I didn't get the opportunity to tell her how or why her message spoke to me, but I am thankful to have received it and for the clarity it brought me. But mostly, I am thankful for the sense of warmth that it gave me...for knowing that my own awkwardness was not felt in solitude and for being able to let her know that her awkward feelings were shared.

My message today

2007-11-11T12:43:00.000-05:00

I came close to speaking during Meeting today...really close. Still something keeps me in my seat. Am I just too shy or is the message not meant to be shared? Well, I always have this blog, or the other blog. So today I will share the message I received in meeting via this blog. It should be noted that while I write this, I share this space with a pug that apparently believes that no keyboard is complete without dog nose prints on it.

As I settled down this morning at the start of meeting I thought about a theme that seems to be fairly continuous for me...opening up myself and my heart. As I sat there today I realized that recently I've come to understand the importance of touch. A handshake, an elongated handshake, a hug...all ways that we can reach out to each other, all ways that we can touch each other. A simple touch can transmit so much positive energy. It can let someone know that we care even when we don't necessarily have the time or the words to say it. The warmth of a hug goes a very long way and says so much to the person receiving it or the unspoken meaning passed between two people embraced in a mutual hug. How wonderful to see and even better to feel.

From Peace Rally to Peace Valley

2007-11-02T11:13:00.000-04:00

I woke up around 7:30 to the sound of pouring rain knowing full well that I had committed my time to the Human Chain for Peace, march and rally. Chestnut Hill Friends Meeting, where I attend, would have the block between 12^th and 13^th streets on Market with help from East Mt Airy Neighbors, The Granny Peace Brigade, and others. We were to meet between 12:15 and 12:30, help form the human chain from the Veteran’s Hospital at 38^th and Woodland to Independence Mall/Welcome Center at 5^th and Market. A quick check of weather.com showed that the rain would likely let up or even stop at some point early in the afternoon…hope!

When we finally arrived at our location, Christine, our block captain and Friend (also small “f”) handed me some flyers and asked if I would distribute them as folks walked by. Perfect for me; I love the opportunity to encourage people to think. So, with flyers in hand and the line, “Today is a great day to end the war”, I got to work. A few people walked by and were uninterested (I’ll never understand apathy), the great majority agreed that yes, indeed it is a great day to stop the war, and only one or two made nasty comments. Eventually, the march got to our location and we joined in. The march stretched for seven or eight blocks in front of us. By now the rain had stopped and the sun was shining.

The march and rally were electric. The energy was contagious and so very positive. The air felt alive and full of the hope of youth, almost like the feeling of knowing that summer is approaching and good times are ahead.

Sunday morning (today) started with bright sunshine and much cooler temperatures. Meeting for Worship was especially warm today with a lot of talk about community. When I finally left the Meetinghouse, I was feeling ready to head to the Peace Valley Nature Reserve in Doylestown. Shelly and I were told about the reserve and since we like to walk, decided to take the drive for a change of scenery. The drive was about 40 minutes and we arrived equipped with map, camera, and binoculars…anywhere else and we would have been labeled as tourists. There are a number of trails, some longer than others and we decided on the Lake Loop, a 6.2 mile trek. We headed out with great expectations only to find that the individual trails were difficult to follow and not exactly well marked. Well, we weren’t going to let that deter our hike (no longer a walk, this was now a hike).

Considering the amount of rain that had fallen in the previous two days, the trails were mostly not muddy. The air was crisp and clean, a perfect fall day with blue skies and a few clouds. This is the kind of day that always makes me feel nostalgic, probably about being a kid so close to Halloween. For the most part, the trail was quiet with only the sound of the wind and an occasional chain saw in the distance that didn’t seem out of place. Many of trees had already lost their leaves, no doubt much of that occurring during the storms over the past two days. We had hoped for vibrant colors but that was not the case. Still, the walk was refreshing and there was still plenty of beauty to be seen just enjoying the natural surroundings.

What struck me the most was the juxtaposition of this day after the rally yesterday. While yesterday the air was alive and full of youth, today felt like fall in the sense of seasons as an indicator of time or even life. The trees had lost their leaves in anticipation of the winter to come; their hope for a future still several months away. The difference in the feeling from one day to the next, from one place to another was startling but completely acceptable. Marches and rallies should be filled with hope and energy, and the trees preparing for winter should be exactly as it was today. Even more remarkable is that both the march/rally and the fall/winter season have the same end, the hope for the future. In nature, the hope is that the Spring will bring rebirth, while marches and rallies are aimed at raising awareness, also in the hope that the future will be better. It really all works together when you think about it.

How I got to this Quaker place...

2007-10-22T19:27:00.000-04:00

In my last post I asked why I was so unaware when others seemed so informed about Quakers. Maybe a better question is, how did I come to be aware? I want to try to answer that question for myself and anybody else that cares to know.

It all started during the Spring 2007 in a conversation with a co-worker/friend, Concetta, who told me that she is a Quaker. Let me first say that this is a person that I have a deep respect for. I consider myself very lucky to have the opportunity to work with her and to call her something of a mentor. She is a rare person in her genuineness, her kindness, and her compassion. Of course it isn't necessary for me to say that to tell this story, but it does give validity (at least to me) to what she says.

As I stated Concetta told me that she is a Quaker, something I knew embarrassingly little about. So, I started to read anything and everything I could about Quakers and drove Concetta crazy with questions...I really abhor ignorance, especially in myself. I became intrigued. So much of what I was reading resonated with me; everything from ethics and integrity to commitments to peace. The more I read, the more I wanted to learn and the more interested I became. How could I have not known about something that is so true to the things that I am so passionate about?

During this same time period, the synagogue that I had belonged to for 10 years, Beth Ahavah (BA) , was forced to close it own doors and join with another, much larger synagogue. A little background would be appropriate here. BA was a very small synagogue with around 100 members. It was the LGBT synagogue in Philadelphia founded about 30 years prior. I met my partner there and most of my closest friends. It was warm and welcoming and the first synagogue that I belonged to having been raised secularly Jewish. The BA community was there for me when my mother was dying and when she died. At age 38, I celebrated my Bat Mitzvah and I learned to love my Jewish roots at BA.

Toward the end, before BA closed its doors, I had started to become disillusioned. Membership had dwindled and those of us that remained were overburdened with the business of keeping the synagogue operational. By the time the building where we rented space was sold, and we were forced to move, the handwriting was on the walls...there was just no way for BA to continue on its own. So BA joined the much larger synagogue as an (almost) autonomous synagogue within a synagogue. The moved drained whatever was left of my spirituality. I found myself in a huge anonymous place where religious services felt rote.

Having lost my spiritual home I felt an emptiness that left me sad. It was at this time that attended my first Quaker meeting. I knew that first day that I had found a new spiritual home. My experience of that meeting is in a previous post but I will tell you that I still find my eyes filling with tears during meeting for worship. I am profoundly moved by the depth of spirituality that I have found.

So this kind of explains how I got to this place with much thanks to Concetta for lighting the fuse that ignited my interest.

Am I a Quaker?

2007-10-21T13:09:00.000-04:00

A few weeks ago I volunteered to help staff a table for the monthly meeting that I attend for a local arts festival. I saw it as an opportunity to get to know some of the people that I often see at meetings. What should have been a beautiful Autumn day instead was blisteringly hot October summer-like day. My one hour time slot was to be filled with giving out Quaker oatmeal cookies and asking folks if they had any questions about Quakers. Well, I am certainly no authority on answering those questions...the truth is that I have so many of my own questions; a list that seems to grow exponentially as I become more involved.

As my time slot approached I walked up to the table that was set up, thankfully under cover from the sun. One member kindly thought to bring cold water for those of us staffing the table! I got my plate of cookies and started working the crowd, so to speak. I was honestly very surprised that so many people were knowledgeable about Quakers. Many were married to somebody that was a Quaker or had gone to a Quaker school or had kids that attended Quaker schools. Why was I so unaware?

At one point, I was speaking with a passerby, offering a cookie and asking if they had any questions so I could direct them to the table behind me. The person I was speaking with asked me this, "Are you a Quaker?" I was struck by silence, rarely my response to anything! I had no answer for that question. I couldn't say no; I was standing there representing the meeting that I attend and no seemed like an inappropriate response. I couldn't say yes because I don't know if that is an honest answer. Instead, I added that question to my ever growing list of questions...am I a Quaker?

Well, the truth is that I don't know the answer to that question. I know for sure that I am Jewish, but at this time, my spiritual home is at that Quaker meeting that I attend every Sunday. Can I be both Jewish and Quaker at the same time? I know I will never not be Jewish...Judaism is at the core of my being. It defines me culturally and religiously, but not necessarily spiritually. That is were the Quaker question comes in. Can I be a Quaker spiritually...is that enough for me to call myself a Quaker...to answer yes to that question? Am I moving toward a religious change? I don't think I am, but I think my Jewish friends (that would be most of my friends) probably think that I am, although a number understand my spiritual journey. The only thing that I know for sure, that I can definitively answer yes to, is that all week I look forward to being at that Quaker meeting on Sunday morning.

How Quaker meetings changed my life

2007-10-21T12:33:00.000-04:00

I've been attending a Quaker meeting for almost 4 months. A previous post describes my first experience attending a meeting. This is sort of a follow up. In one sentence I can tell you that attending meetings has changed me and my life.

When I leave meeting for worship on Sunday morning I feel renewed and refreshed; generally I am smiling, from inside. I seem to have rediscovered my heart or how to allow my heart to be open. This in turn has strengthened other areas of my life, specifically my relationship with Shelly. I guess I didn't realize how I had allowed myself to wall off my heart. Circumstances outside the relationship being what they are, had put me through the wringer and my guess is that I protected myself by drawing further inside myself. But attending meeting has helped to open my heart back up. Whether it is sitting in silence and reflecting or just opening my heart to accept whatever message I might receive, I am a better person for it. Slowly over the course of the past four months, the feeling that I leave that meeting with has begun to seep into the rest of my week. I am thankful. My relationship with my partner is stronger and my relationship with God is renewed. I have found myself to be more patient (still working on that one), and I am working hard to find "that of God" in others, rather than getting angry, even when they may disappointment me. So, this is where I am at this time. To be continued....

First Quaker Meeting

2007-10-21T12:30:00.000-04:00

I went to my first Quaker meeting today...WOW. What an experience. I'd like to share with you my thoughts and feelings if you will indulge me.

We arrived about 10 minutes early which was good because it gave us a chance to ask a few questions and chat briefly with a very warm and welcoming man. We browsed a bit and just before 10:30 we went into the meeting room and sat down. The set up was familiar after having been to a Sephardic Synagogue; rows of benches facing each other, but no beema or alter. We took a seat near a window at the end of a row. The windows were open and the air was spectacular.

I looked around momentarily at the group of people that were sharing this space. Some had their eyes open, some closed. I thought I'd feel more self-conscious but that was not the case. I chose to keep my focus outside the window, looking at the trees, birds and squirrels across the street. That gave me the chance to feel a part of the community but still be in my own space.

The morning was breezy and every once in awhile the smell of eucalyptus wafted in and made me smile. Later as time progressed, the smell of coffee mixed with the eucalyptus. I wondered as I sat there in silence, what would happen if a bee flew in and landed on my arm...would I be able to maintain my silence? Funny the things that go through your mind when you actually give yourself a chance to listen.

It didn't take long for me to feel what it was I had come searching for. I will attempt to explain the feeling but I'm not sure I will do it justice. My heart felt full but more than that...full to the point of unable to hold the fullness. Tears filled my eyes and one or two rolled down my cheek before I could catch them. In fact there were so many moments of this intensity that I had to bite my lip to keep myself from crying (happy tears). This is what I was missing, what I was searching for.

Eventually a few people rose and spoke. One women spoke about a picture she had seen of a Quaker meeting with somebody sitting on a bench naked. She said that it was a strong image for her because she felt that we were sitting naked in front of each other, sharing our thoughts and feelings with each other. I felt more like I was sitting naked in front of God, though I don't believe that God necessarily has a form, but instead exists in each of our hearts. I felt naked in this manner because there was no liturgy to hide behind. There was no pre-defined text that I was supposed to pray from. I was naked with my thoughts, with nothing but my thoughts. The feeling was powerful, overwhelming, wonderful. The experience left me refreshed and relaxed and profoundly moved.